Over the past few days I’ve come to realize just how difficult it is to say “I’m sorry”. But what I’ve also come to realize is that, by saying “I’m sorry”, you’re not always admitting you’re wrong. Sometimes, by saying “I’m sorry” you’re simply acknowledging that another person is hurt. Admitting you’re wrong is a completely different animal.
Someone called me condescending today. That’s a word that no one else has ever used to describe me, and it hurt. It hurt so bad I cried. I don’t cry. I said I was sorry, but in reality, I’m not sure that I knew what I was apologizing for. Obviously, I never meant to offend this person, but I was caught so off-guard by their anger that I didn’t know what to do about it. So, I apologized. It wasn’t until I started thinking about it that I came to the conclusion that I was wrong.
I’ve gone so deep down inside myself over the past few months, and I’ve brought some things back with me that I hardly realized were there. I’ve tried my best to make heads or tails of what I found and I’ve been as honest as I possibly can about them. I ask what I think are more thoughtful (read: thought-provoking) questions, but I’ve come to realize that maybe I don’t ask them in the most thoughtful ways.
Regardless of what I say, how I say it and how others perceive it, I’m trying my best to live authentically. The thoughts I have are my own, shaped by my experiences and the questions I ask, I ask out of genuine curiosity. Not because I’m intentionally judging someone, but because I want to understand their world through their eyes. I just wish I was able to express that to people. Instead, I come off as condescending…